Forever H.O.T.

In 1996, something psycho happened. It was the first time that SM Entertainment, known today for spawning Girls’ Generation and S.E.S., donned their sorcerer’s capes and conjured up pure evil. Delving into the Korean mega-shadow, they unleashed a darkest magic: High… Five… of Teenagers. Techno, bubblegum, death rock and hip-hop? Yes! And classical, goth, industrial boy band hell!! Not since Seoteji had we felt the fury of such hyper-ridiculous ecstasy. It was the sound of all music exploding and turning into this:


With their first single “Candy”, the High Five of Teenagers proclaimed that it was time to take raves outside and into the sunshine. On the beach, in the mall, in your best friend Anna’s bedroom. The mages of S&M Entertainment rejoiced. Their depraved plan to give teenagers exactly what they wanted had come to fruition.


An impassioned violin concerto opened as the boys took the stage, accompanied only by the demonic chanting of girls, waving their glow sticks and balloons in the fog. Each member of the group wielded a unique ultra-power. Woo Hyuk aka “Hammer Boy” mesmerized the audience with smooth dance moves before assaulting them with merciless scream-rapping as a speed-metal riff pierced the air. Rapper Tony An kept it sporty and ‘autentic-style’, repping from Cerritos Highschool (and the same church where I had to take speed-reading class in 7th grade). Kangta, who was discovered at a snack-themed amusement park, was responsible for using his beautiful alto vocals to seemlessly transition a bassy, metal overdrive into a scorching piano sonata. The self-proclaimed Atheist composed a large portion of the group’s material, which was growing ever darker under his Godless influence. Their universe had grown so twisted that one day Hee Jun’s hand spontaneously warped into a glowing set of chrome blades made of hardened cyberg00. Afterwards, he sang and danced like no human would. And when asked what his hobby was, he would answer insanely, “asking about other people’s hobbies.”


Jae Won was the scariest of them all. He was serious. He believed that instead of becoming overwhelmed with one’s anger, it should be used to fuel one’s ambition. Such as his ambition to control the universe with a slow, bassy rap and heart-breaking lyrics about life, death and injustice.

Applehead Jae Won

Applehead Jae Won

As current idols walk a path paved by the dark princes before them, its easy to see what lessons have been learned. Girls’ Generation recently unveiled their highly-anticipated “dark” look, harking back to H.O.T.’s days of morphing from puffy cartoons into cyberg0thic overlords and back into hip-hop heartthrobs.


We can only guess where Girls’ Generation, the new dark lords of SM Entertainment, must be headed…


Though the voices of evil netizens proclaiming “Forever H.O.T.” have slowly died down, I still worship at the church of I-Yah.

H.O.T. “I-Yah”

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